My friends, they love my intelligence
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
