When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
