If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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