Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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