You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
