Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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