my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
