You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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