I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
