I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
wat bout pragnant strippers??
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
