Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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