the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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