I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he was CRYING into my vagina
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
