you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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