Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
