i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
