I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
