her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
