Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
