Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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