Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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