I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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