Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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