The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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