you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I AM VODKA MAN
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
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