I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
