I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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