I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
