Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize