I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
