also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
