I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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