I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
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