I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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