Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
