i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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