what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize
