you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
