i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
