i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
My butt remains clenched, sir.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize