I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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