While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
