Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
