can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
