My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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