Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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