i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
