Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I'm passing your future prison.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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