Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
