Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
