soooo we both peed the bed last night...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
