I heard we made out
I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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