Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
