I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
