he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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