Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
