Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
