Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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