Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I need to stop coming to work sober
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
