So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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