I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
