You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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